Dear Caroline,

I have recently come out of a five-year relationship. I feel so empty and lost at the moment and I am incredibly sad. My boyfriend was lovely, but we were not the right fit and wanted different things for our futures. He would also, not hesitate to tell me my faults and as such, I have very low confidence. I am heartbroken and I am struggling at the moment to feel happy. I constantly think about what I did wrong and whether I could have made things work.

It feels almost impossible, the prospect of finding love again. I am in my thirties now and have always wanted a family of my own. I find myself deeply worried on a daily basis that this will not happen for me.

Is there anything I can do to make this time less of a struggle?

Thank you, Irena

Dear Irena,

The worry and sadness that you are experiencing currently is entirely normal. It reads as though through this period of heartbreak you are rediscovering yourself once again, a very difficult task when your confidence and self-worth is damaged.

Whilst love can absolutely strike again, the main priority right now is to yourself and by that I mean, making a commitment to loving yourself. You mention that you have blamed yourself for a lot of what happened in your previous relationship. Whilst it is good that you are being self-reflective and taking ownership for your part in what went wrong, take good care not to accept full responsibility, for I have no doubt that your previous partner had his role to play as well, particularly due to the way you have come to feel about yourself. So often our self-worth can be impacted by our close and intimate relationships. Take good care to focus on rebuilding yourself and restoring the part of you that feels ‘‘empty’’ and ‘‘lost’’. Also remember that, as you state, ‘‘we were not the right fit’’. This relationship was not meant to last. This was not your person, therefore be thankful that you came to this realisation and that you have had the courage to start over again.

Remember that coming out of a long term relationship requires a lot of energy and is often likened to the grieving process. I hear you, when you say that you are in your thirties and that you would like a family of your own. Time becomes a loud and foreboding ticking clock that you cannot ignore. However, it is essential that your permit yourself the necessary time to fully heal. Have patience with yourself. Take this period of time to focus fully on taking optimum care of yourself, whatever that means for you. Reconnecting with friends or family members, starting a new exercise routine, beginning yoga or meditation practices and maintaining a healthy lifestyle are all ways to kick start this transition of yours in a constructive way, all assisting in redefining your new life and restoring your lost confidence and sense of self.

The counselling process can be an incredibly beneficial support to you during this time if you feel that your low confidence is causing a hindrance to you moving forwards. Therapy will allow you the opportunity to reconnect to yourself and to your wants for the future positively, whilst also allowing you to regain your sense of power and control over what lies ahead.

Take each day as it comes and maintain focus on yourself. You deserve love and joy and happiness. Once you feel rejuvenated, you will be amazed at the opportunities that fall at your feet. Remind yourself daily, that the end of this relationship signifies the beginning of a new journey for you, a journey that is shaped around your needs and wants for the future. Believe in yourself Irena.

Best wishes to you, Caroline

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