Dear Caroline,

I have recently confided in my family that I am lesbian. I have been with my girlfriend for over five years now and having spent the entire time keeping our relationship a secret, I finally decided that enough was enough. Whilst I did not expect a positive response from my family, I did not anticipate the reaction to be as unkind as it has been. My parents and my siblings have not spoken to me in over a month. Aunts and uncles have also stopped any attempt at conversation. My cousin who I counted as a close friend has deleted me from all social media accounts and does not answer my calls.

My girlfriend’s family, however, have been wonderful and accepting of us and our relationship, angry only because we kept it a secret for such a long time. I am so very grateful for this, yet it somehow makes my own family’s response feel even more painful. How my sexuality can impact their love for me I shall never understand, as much as I try.

I feel very low at the moment and I am not sleeping very well. The words my mother said to me repeat over and over in my mind. ‘‘If you are a lesbian then you are no daughter of mine’’ and ‘‘you have brought great shame and dishonour to this family’’ are particularly bothersome. I find it difficult to talk to my partner about this, as I do not want her to worry, especially as she is so happy that we have finally made our relationship public. But I feel lost without my family. Is there anything I can do or say that will help my family change their minds? Is there anything that you can recommend that might help this situation?

Thank you,

Juliette

Dear Juliette,

I am so very happy for you that you have found love and that you have chosen to live your life in the open, with pride. It has taken great courage for you to share your personal life with your family and for that you must acknowledge how wonderful a moment this is!

That said, the fact that your sexuality has impacted the way in which your family have chosen to treat you is devastating. I appreciate the pain that you must be feeling. Be mindful that this lowness is a reflection of them and not you. It is they who have brought ‘‘shame’’ and ‘‘dishonour’’ to the family and to themselves. I hope in time that they change their outlook. I hope in time that they come to see that they are in the wrong. I hope in time that they find the words to apologise to you and ask for your forgiveness. This, unfortunately, is not under your control. It is time for you Juliette, to draw your line in the sand. By that, I mean that you uphold a boundary for yourself concerning the people in your life moving forwards. You deserve to be respected and you most definitely deserve to be loved for who you are, whatever the label of sexual preference may be.

Whilst your family choose to be on the wrong side of the line right now, they may decide to come back to you one day. Until then, let them remain on that side of the line and acknowledge that it is their choice and their decision to make. It is not for you to change their ways of thinking but to continue regardless, to live a life of your choosing and to prioritise your own future happiness.

Confide in your partner as to the difficulty that you are experiencing. Being emotionally open in your relationship will only make it stronger. If you find that you are struggling and unable to sleep, I would recommend seeking some therapeutic support. The counselling process will allow you the opportunity of a safe and confidential space in which to process your feelings. The detachment of your family that you are enduring in many ways can resemble the grieving process. It is important that you allow yourself time to digest what has happened and allow yourself the opportunity to properly heal. There is of course the avenue of couples therapy if you want to include your partner within the therapy process. I would recommend this if you find that the way that you are feeling is impacting your relationship in a negative way. Couples counselling may help you to feel supported in sharing your current feelings with one another and also in building some vital communicative tools for you both to utilise moving forwards.

Times are changing. The world is changing and slowly, opinions are changing. But you cannot wait for the approval of those who at this point choose to discriminate. You have been so very brave Juliette. You deserve all the light that life has to offer. Be mindful that this is also a poignant time to celebrate. Continue to prioritise yourself, your partner and your happiness. Remember that you are not defined by the way that your family sees nor values you. You are defined only, by the way that you see yourself.

Best wishes to you,
Caroline