Dear Caroline,
I really like my boss at work, in fact I think I am in love with him. I cannot ignore the fact, he is on my mind constantly and even though I know he is married, I have very strong feelings for him.
We have never so much as kissed, in fact we haven’t really had much more than the usual every day conversations you might have with any other staff member. I feel though he is perhaps more friendly and flirty with me than the other females I work alongside, for some reason.
I’m confused I guess with the messages I get from him. He’s so helpful and kind and he really helped me settle in to my job, when I first arrived. Life would be perfect to have someone like him beside me.
How can I push forward and try to see if he is as keen on me as I am of him? Should I even be thinking this at all? That there’s a chance of us being together going forward.
What to do?
Kindest regards,
Nina x
Dear Nina,
As you well know, love, well, it hurts at the best of times. Unrequited love, perhaps hurts most of all. This type of love can be all consuming. It can take up all of your thoughts, all of your hopes and desires and it can foster the fantasy that drives you through each and every day. This is why it is paramount that before doing anything you must first ask yourself, what do the realities of your expectations involve?
The power of love is not to be underestimated and as another well-known saying goes…it can be blinding. You are in love with your boss. But is your boss in love with you? How do you begin to renegotiate your expectations of what will happen moving forwards? It is also vital that you weigh up the risks of your future actions. When love is not returned, it can feel like a major blow. Be mindful that you are setting yourself up for a major fall. Further complicating the matter, is the fact that this person is your boss. Not only do you risk your personal life, you also risk your work life too. Have you fully thought this through? Are you prepared for what happens next if you are to communicate your feelings to this person? It can go one of two ways…
You tell your boss how you feel.
A) He tells you that he feels the same way. You begin an affair. He is married to somebody else. You are working for him. Can you count the number of issues and difficulties that may arise moving forwards?!
B) He tells you that he does not feel the same way. You must confront your heartbreak and also manage the repercussions this may have upon your work life and career.
You do not tell your boss about how you feel.
A) You feel like you are suffering and you feel unable to cope.
B) You feel better with time and glad that you did not take any action. It is not for me or anybody else to tell you what to do, as it is only you Nina, that knows the depth of the feelings that you have for this person and it is only you that knows the person in question. You must make a judgement call based upon your own intuition and your own understanding and experience of the situation. But do ensure that your judgement call is informed and well thought through. You absolutely must make a concerted effort to be diligent. It is time to ask yourself some difficult questions about why you feel the way that you do.
Why do you feel this way about him?
1. Why has this person taken up so much of your time and energy and focus?
2. Why have you decided upon a man who is not only married, but also your boss, arguably the most complicated person you could choose and the one person in which to incite unnecessary and distracting drama into your life?
3. Are you in fact, escaping the one thing that actually needs some attention, the relationship that you have with yourself?
How do you feel about yourself?
1. Are you happy in your own skin?
2. Are you happy with where your life is heading?
3. When a love like this feels like all or nothing, you must stop to ask yourself, do you deserve more?
Acknowledge that the heartbreak and anguish that you currently feel is perhaps helpful to you at this moment, as it allows you the opportunity to reflect on these important questions. If you are not able to answer these questions easily, I suggest that you take further time to consider what is best for you in the long run. Taking a mindful step back may feel like prolonged grief, but it is necessary for you to feel this way, for you are acknowledging that the love you have inside for this person is not conducive for you in this moment.
I would also recommend that seeking some counselling support would be highly beneficial for you Nina, before you take any action moving forwards. At best, should you decide to pursue your feelings you leave yourself open to a host of moral and emotional dilemmas moving forwards that the therapy room could support you through, in a non-judgemental and confidential space.
Remain strong Nina and take time before making any bold decisions as to how to proceed.
Wishing you peace and happiness,
Caroline
News on Sunday – My Weekly Advice Column
The News on Sunday is a popular newspaper owned by the DefiMedia Group in Mauritius, covering the local news and all the information on politics, economy, culture and entertainment. If you are looking for professional and qualified advice, then please email me directly at caroline@heretohelp.co
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