Dear Caroline,
I am an expatriate desperate for your advice. I was married to my soul mate and had two wonderful kids with him, but he unfortunately died after a skiing accident at the age of 37, leaving me to bring up our two boys on my own. I re-married 4 years ago to a man I thought I loved, but we’ve had a number of bad arguments, with a few concerning my youngest son and his girlfriend.
We moved to Mauritius this year with his work, which was a big move and a big opportunity for him especially at this stage in our lives. At the time I was convinced, it would make us stronger as a couple, but I now feel this is not the case and in fact the opposite is true. I really struggle to be around him now and I have completely gone off sex with him.
Please help me understand what is going on. Should I return to France and leave him? This would kill me however as hurting him is the last thing I would ever want to do.
Kind regards,
Anousha
Dear Anousha,
It may be the move has given you time to think and compare – maybe you are comparing your first husband with your new one and he may not appear to be measuring up. If, as you say, he was your soulmate then it sounds like your new partner has big, if not impossible shoes to fill.
Given your new location, it could be that you miss seeing your children regularly and to just stay in regular contact is difficult even with the abundance of technology available. This can be compounded more so if you saw them often when you were in the same country together.
When you spend more time alone with someone than usual, which is often the case after emigrating, it may also appear their faults appear to be worse than they would be generally. With less distractions and no one outside of the relationship to speak to when you are annoyed, things may naturally seem more difficult than they otherwise would be which in turn, makes small issues into bigger ones.
If you are feeling negatively towards your partner, then it is only natural that your body will respond accordingly, because sex is as much about the mind as it is the body.
Compromise and relationships go hand in hand, so if you can discuss what he does exactly that annoys you specifically, then he may refrain from doing it. Just by talking to your partner about how you are feeling could prove to be a big step forwards in resolving the situation.
What could be beneficial for you Anousha, is to try a new hobby, perhaps join a group, or simply find time to do your own thing. Bare in mind that the adjustment period can be long and it might just be that you need a little more time to feel comfortable and fulfilled in your new surroundings.
If some of these suggestions don’t cut it, then it may be time to discuss moving back to Europe together, or if possible making regular trips back home so that you can see your family and friends. You may not have to leave him here in Mauritius, especially – if everything was generally all in working order back in France.
My advice is to try to make your personal living experience better and more varied and to trust your partner enough to communicate your concerns, so that you can attempt to resolve this situation with his help and understanding.
I wish you the best in whatever decisions you make and with a bit of luck, you two may find a happy medium to learn and live together in harmony and in love.
Caroline
News on Sunday – My Weekly Advice Column
The News on Sunday is a popular newspaper owned by the DefiMedia Group in Mauritius, covering the local news and all the information on politics, economy, culture and entertainment. If you are looking for professional and qualified advice, then please email me at caroline@heretohelp.co More information about me and the services we offer at Here to Help can be found here.
